One Way To Have A Crazy 18 Hours or It Was Surprisingly Temperate in Hell Yesterday

1. Leave work at your usual time to find your car missing:

Above: Maxine Dangerous wonders where her car, which was parked in front of King V and Queen's "RV" (a.k.a. The Van That Smells Like Old People and Despair) at 9:00 AM, has disappeared to.

2. Go inside KV and QS' house and share your news.

3. Resist urge to scream and hit when KV casually says, "Yeah, it wasn't there when I ran errands this afternoon at 2:00 PM."

** This WHAT?!?THE?!?FUCK?!? moment brought to you by Maxine Dangerous' incredulity. **

4. Call three towing companies, all of whom say they do not have the car.

5. Call the local police branch. Learn that they closed at 3:00 PM that day but hey! leave a message and we'll call you back! Tomorrow!

6. Call the police department's auto theft number.

7. Learn that they closed at 4:00 PM that day but hey! leave a message and we'll call you back! Tomorrow!

8. Call the non-emergency police number. Ask if they have seen your car. Try to figure out what to do when the dispatcher says no.

9. Begin to believe your 16-year-old car -- which is missing its grill (it's in the trunk; don't ask), the driver's-side hubcap, and has a busted side headlight -- has been stolen.

10. Resist urge to laugh hysterically. Who, besides you, wants this car?

11. Call the non-emergency police number again. Try not to scream when the last question the dispatcher asks is, "And you're sure you didn't loan the car to someone?" File report.

12. Wait for police to arrive.

13. Talk to policeman. Point to where the car was, the spot where you can coincidentally not stop staring as though the car will suddenly and magically reappear. Run through the list of 'beauty marks' the car has. Wait while policeman gets back in his car and tracks down your car.

14. Learn after a long delay that the car was towed to one of the lots you have already called. Realize your mistake in giving them the new plate number instead of the old plate number. Try to squeeze answer out of cop when he tells you the car was towed by the Department of Public Works for being "abandoned."

15. Call towing company. Give them old plate number. Breathe sigh of relief when someone finally says they have your car. Learn that the abandoned car lot is closed now. (But hey! Leave a message and we'll call you back! Tomorrow!) Still believing one of the neighbors has reported the car abandoned, go to three different houses with King V and ask if anyone "saw anything." Do not make accusations, but plot to firebomb everyone's houses anyway. Return to KV and QS' house. Stay for dinner and TV. Take copious notes from the Department of Public Works' website in preparation to fight towing charges. Visualize yourself kidnapping the mayor to get your money back.

16. Skip ahead several hours, one slammed beer, and lots of babbling from King V about how thieves just loooove to steal Camrys for spare parts. Note: His casual missing car statement evolves into "I thought you had just parked around the corner." For the first time. In 3.5 years. Uh huh.

17. After being offered Queen S' Neon to drive home, feign out-of-practiceness with driving a stick and drive large smelly van home. Don't share that you're afraid you won't fit in the Neon. Try not to express too much shock and horror when Queen S says, "Don't you just want to stay here tonight?" Sure. Without any pajamas, clothes for work tomorrow, or toiletry items. Sounds great, Mom. Get home at 10:00 PM, watch a rerun of Monk, sit around in a daze. Get up late the next morning because sleeping pill has made waking difficult. Call abandoned car lot. Get directions. Get Queen S to drive you to lot. Take cash. Stop at parents' bank to get title for car. Fear the towing bastards company won't give you your car back when you see your address from two years ago on the title. Take title anyway. Drive to parents' house.

17. Comply when Queen S says to pull up the car's GPS system even though you know where you're going. Clench teeth while Queen S keeps asking where you're going even though you've already told her. Pine for Serena's navigational capabilities. Almost pee on seat when Queen S, who has ALSO been busy looking at the pretty map on the GPS' screen on the Prius' dash, almost slams into a car in front of you. Touch pretty screen repeatedly, trying to find the street where the towing company is located. Believe that keeping yourself occupied will prevent you from screaming. Accidentally program two different incorrect addresses into parents' GPS system. Spend most of ride reading Prius owner's manual, trying to figure out how to get the honey-voiced beotch to SHUT THE HELL UP WE AREN'T TAKING THAT ROAD YOU COW. Remind yourself how much you hate GPS systems.

18. Arrive at lot. Clench teeth harder as Queen S drives past the large, white mobile home where the office is located TWICE despite the fact that it's (a) the only building on the lot and (b) has a large sign that says ABANDONED VEHICLES: OFFICE.

19. Pay $45 to a woman wearing sweat pants and a towing company t-shirt to get car back. Note that you do NOT have to show the title.

20. Wait for a company rep to arrive and drive you "inside the gate," as the woman inside ominously put it. Note all the employees are wearing soft pants. Wonder how you can get in on this gig.

21. Watch as a red truck eventually roars up. The man inside gestures towards you in an irritated manner. You climb inside. He says two words during the thankfully very-short drive: "Toyota Camry?"

22. Answer "yep."

23. Cling to the side of the truck as the man peels through the unpaved lot, careening far too close to cars that seem to be rejects from Bosnia: The Movie. One car has clearly been on fire, perhaps as recently as this morning. Decide you have unceremoniously been cast in Deliverance: The Gravel Era.

24. Arrive by your poor car.

25. Wonder why all of this crap is necessary. After being declared abandoned for having expired plates, the car was towed even though the new plate was up in the window. Doesn't matter, say the towing company representatives. Plates were expired.

26. Wonder why the state sent you a brand-new plate anyway. For years you've received new stickers. Begrudgingly resist urge to blame everyone else for your procrastination.

27. Despite not blaming anyone else, decide new, arts-hating mayor is in the back office of the towing company's mobile home, counting his handouts.

28. Take screwdriver and plunge it through your forehead begin twisting off the rusted-on screws.

29. Fail.

30. Look up to see Mr. Congeniality sitting in his truck, talking to another truck-bound employee. Ask for an electric screwdriver. Repeat yourself when he hands you two manual screwdrivers.

31. Shuffle behind as he goes to car and manages to remove old plate. One screw comes out with the plate.

32. Wonder what you did to piss this man off as he all-too-casually tosses your old plate on your car's trunk lid and walks back to his truck without saying a word.

33. Put new plate on, tightening the left screw and using a piece of moist wood on the ground to hold the plate in place on the right. (Be impressed when you arrive back at work, after driving on the interstate, and notice the wood is still in place.)

34. Get the hell out of Dodge.

35. Go to Starbucks.