20 Questions

Answering surveys makes my tootie tingle. Feel free to share your answers as well. Or not. NOTE: Sarcasm (or lies) might follow. Might.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship?

Gunfire.

2. When was the last time you shaved?

When Methuselah was still getting carded.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?

Praying I got out of my lover’s bedroom before her husband came home from the night shift.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?

Cooking up some smack.

5. Some things you are excited about?

Cloning, macramé, welding, muskrats.

6. What is your favorite flavor of JELL-O?

No horse foot jelly for me, thanks.

7. Your prom night: What do you remember about it?

Reapplying my fake nails while anxiously sitting at my table in an ugly dress, hoping some cute boy would finally reveal his crush on me and ask me to dance. And avoiding eye contact with the five or six guys I asked to prom who all turned me down. And surreptitiously eyeing The Most Beautiful Boy in the World as he danced with his date* who is probably a lesbian now. Oh wait. That’s me.

* This answer is actually true. Ugh. That, and doing “The Butt” in the previous year in a big, white, floofy dress. That was actually kind of fun. Ain't nothing wrong if you wanna do the butt all night long.

8. Do you have any famous ancestors?

No. I think all my ancestors were prey. Well. Just the slow ones.

9. Last thing received in the mail?

Treasure map. Or pizza coupons. It was one of those.

10. How many different beverages have you had today?

Four. Coffee, water, Diet Coke, and the blood of a nubile, brunette virgin.

11. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machines?

Usually. But I prefer email because I'm paranoid that people are screening their calls and I didn't make the cut. I also use smoke signals and the Batman spotlight thingie. Not simultaneously.

12. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?

I'd rather build some sand castles and do the mermaid-with-big-boobies thing that was done to Joey on Friends.

13. Any plans for Friday night?

Brent. Sushi. Do the math.

14. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?

Three words: Jhirmack, bounce-back, beautiful!

15. Have you ever received one of those big tins of three different popcorns?

Cold popcorn tastes like ass.

16. Do you re-use towels after you shower?

Until they stage a coup and crawl towards the washing machine, dragging the detergent and Downy behind them.

17. Describe your keychain?

Brass knuckles, Lexus car key, Mace.

18. Where do you keep your change?

The palm of a Taco Bell employee.

19. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?

My lawyer has advised me not to discuss the trial or the fact that I am Danielynn’s baby daddy. Whoops.

20. What kind of winter coat do you own?

Sealskin cloak with rabbit fur collar and snakeskin lining with a lapel pin that says, "Eat me, PETA."