Pay-Per-View is a Tracking Device or How I Unsuccessfully Evaded the Digital Cable Mafia

Scene: An average Saturday afternoon in November. Maxine Dangerous is home alone, save two neurotic, yowling felines. Max decides to watch a movie on pay-per-view, having exhausted her rentals of “Monk” from Blockbuster.

Action: Maxine picks up remote. Decides between Sharon Stone probably killing somebody in “Basic Instinct” 2 (no) or Sandy Bullock and Keanu Reeves anachronistically drooling on each other in “The Lake House” (no) or Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn fighting through “The Break-Up” and then for realsies later (yes).

Pay-per-view screen: Your movie will begin shortly.

Maxine: Sweet.

Inner dialogue: Why am I adding cost to my already-overdue cable bill?

Maxine: Because I can. And it’s not like the cable people are going to know. [insert foreshadowing here]

Not five minutes later, the phone rings. Caller ID tells Maxine that the cable company is calling. [insert Twilight Zone music here]

Maxine (tempted to not answer phone but then thinks cable might get cut off if she plays ostrich): Hello?

Mean Lady at Cable Company: Are you bringing in a payment today?

Maxine (unshowered, disheveled, bed-headed, barefoot, warm under blankie, unprepared and unwilling to set foot outside, even for the sake of cable and besides, she has no money to speak of): No.

Mean Lady at Cable Company: I need to know when you’re bringing in a payment so that I can stop the disconnection order for your cable services.

Maxine: The cable mafia found me! Uh … Wednesday.

Mean Lady at Cable Company: (tersely) Thank. You. ::click::

Fin: Maxine hides from Big Brother under couch for the rest of the weekend.

* * * * *

In other news:

Today is my birthday. Woo! Me -n- the workfolk went to Yahoo Sushi! for lunch, and tonight I'm dining with King V and Queen S after work, although the amount of work I've done today is questionable. But anyway. I'm also going to possibly buy myself some shoes and a shirt or two (why, hello there, clothing store credit card with no balance!), and then I'm going to baste myself in cake and ice cream and wait to be licked clean by nubile, plus-size virgins. And then I'll leave the restaurant.