I probably shouldn't drink and blog

Hell to the y-e-s vs. Oh jesus god never

1. Jennifer Aniston -- So, so cute, especially during early Friends when she had the "Rachel" hairstyle that didn't look nearly as good on every other woman in America. I had SUCH a crush on her and was sometimes jealous that David Schwimmer got to make out with her. I could've been Ross. I'm dorky like that. Well, maybe not entirely. I could've been Rachel's fling with a woman. Rose, a walk-on character featured in 12 episodes, all of which require several kissing scenes and a couple chances to cop a feel. Uh. I sense I've wandered off the path. Ahem.
Angelina Jolie -- I don't care if she is a lesbian favorite, SHE SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME. I think her lips are disgusting and after seeing her very clothesless in Esquire, I'm amazingly grossed out by her extreme skinniness. I sense she would kill after she mated if Brad weren't famous. Had Miss Big Lips married a gaffer or, like, the Foley artist from one of her films, he would've been an entrée a long time ago. I'll bet that Madame Juicy McFishmouth can't resist nibbling on The Brad while he's sleeping. Lost weight, Mr. Pitt? Nope. My scary-ass wife got hungry in the limo and had to feed.

2. Milk chocolate -- It goes with everything! It's the new black! I mean, brown.
Carob -- If I have to explain this one to you, you are no longer allowed to read my blog. Go away.


3. Kitten heels -- Sexy AND functional!
Stillettos -- Not on me, anyway. Hee.


4. Water aerobics -- Bouncey bounce in da blue blue waahhhhhhder…
Swimming in a lake or river or other water I can't see through -- eweweweweweweeweweweweww!!


5. Biolage -- OMG, so fucking delicious I'd eat it if I didn't want to belch soap bubbles. And get my stomach pumped.
Garnier Fructise or however you spell the name of that heinous, citrus-scented crap that ruined the shit out of my hair when I tried using it once. I need to remember I am b-i-r-a-c-i-a-l and that I do not have w-h-i-t-e g-i-r-l h-a-i-r; hence, w-h-i-t-e g-i-r-l hair products are b-a-a-a-a-a-a-d. BAD!


6. Eyeglasses that emphasize the face and make one look or at least feel intelligent and are easily removed, especially if one wants to thoughtfully chew on the end of a temple piece while pondering a decision. Or stalling for time and trying to look intellectual.
Contact lenses -- I almost didn't leave a Lens Crafters once because I couldn't get the contact out of my eye during a fun little contact lens demo session that shall henceforth be referred to as The Retinal Smackdown. I spent an hour stabbing my finger into my cornea and my lens and my iris and apparently my BRAIN before an ophthalmology tech bitch stomped into the room, irritated as HELL, barked at me to tilt my head back and then scraped the contact of my eye, to which I wanted to reply It's a clear piece of plastic, you whore. How did you expect me to see it?

7. Reading books in a bookstore -- So awesome when you get one of the comfy chairs in the back of the store where it's quiet and you aren't stuck in the café with the espresso machine going fawoosh every few minutes and a bunch of people clamoring around on the tile floor and also cool because if your book sucks, you can find another one and another one and ... shit. I'm kind of turning myself on.
Working in a bookstore again -- If you don't know the hell that is working in retail, consider yourself lucky. And then deeply appreciate your job that doesn't include angry people who throw books at cashiers because they didn't like the ending and people who don't try to return books that reek of cigarette smoke and managers who are nowhere to be found when the breakroom toilet breaks and doesn't give you a chance to pee for hours on end because you're glued to the register during Christmas season which apparently starts in May and never ... really ... ends. Goodwill towards men, my ass. I think I need to call my therapist now.


8. Graham crackers (especially if they're covered in melted chocolate and marshmallows) -- I need not further glorify the amazingness of The S'More. Where the hell did that name come from anyway?
Animal crackers -- If ass tasted like a small, dense piece of cardboard that was closely related to a piece of plywood that had been painted beige, then I would say animal crackers taste like ass. Of COURSE they're something you can eat when you're on a diet. THEY ARE THE DIETARY EQUIVALENT OF HADES AND YOU ARE BEING PUNISHED FOR EATING TOO MANY HO-HOs, YOU GLUTTONOUS COW.


9. Cheetos -- Oh yeah, I'm all about the orange finger sucking. Awesome beyond awesomeness. Dye + junk food + oral fixation = bitchin'.

Sun Chips -- EVIL! EVIL! THE TASTE OF EVIL IS IN YOUR MOUTH AND IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY.


10. Shaving with a razor -- Sleek. Sexy. Sensual. Cheap. No need to brace oneself before beginning.
Brazilian wax -- If I'm getting on all fours to feel some pain, I refuse the source to be someone slapping a flystrip on my pootie and yank yank yanking until I look like a one-year-old. All together now: Bad pain! Bad!

11. Voice mail -- It goes anywhere and it's cordless! No tapes! And you have little codes to enter to access your messages and you can erase a message and start over if you turn into a rambling asshole when you're simply trying to say to a friend Why yes, a movie on Friday night would be lovely; thank you for thinking of me. It's phone magic, people.
Answering machine -- Helloooo, haven't you SEEN the movie where the embarrassing message is broadcast across the apartment for all of your relatives to hear? Yeah, I thought you had.


12. Having my neck bitten during sex (I don't know why I felt the need to explain that -- it's not like you were going to think "Oh, right, having her neck bitten while she's standing in line at the grocery") -- Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh BIG FAN. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now! 
Ear nibbling -- Hi. If I wanted to hear the sound of a buffalo breathing in my ear and licking and UGH, I'd move to the range and wait for the roaming.


13. Margaritas -- The floofier, the better. Gimme that umbrella and that sword all plump with cherries and some blue dye #40 and garnish that bitch with a couple limes and dip the rim in some sugar. Make me feel pretty!
Piña coladas -- Ohmigod barf barf barf. Unless we're talking about Escape (The Piña Colada Song), which I love love love (yes, seriously), but we're not. The drink is ter-ri-ble, even though I do love getting caught in the rain.