Sarcasm almost backfires on Dangerous; news at 11

And now, here's Jim Brickley with your 11:00 news.

COWORKER ALLEGEDLY OFFENDED BY MAXINE DANGEROUS’ GOOD MORNING SNARKINESS™

Early this morning, Maxine Dangerous greeted a morning person chowdermonkey coworker by saying, “Hey, it’s Chatty McSmiley!” Dangerous did so in front of a witness and smiled when she said it, but coworker still seemed to be offended. Dangerous reportedly filled her coffee cup and went back to her desk, where she spent a good part of the morning smirking.

IN OTHER NEWS

King V attended chlorine douching class water aerobics with Maxine Dangerous. The class, taught by Eager McBellows (a.k.a. Pedro the tax attorney), ran one hour and was truly delightful to Dangerous. King V struggled a bit to keep up, but did not drown. However, he left class 10 minutes early, allegedly to tinkle. Rumor has it that Dangerous still smells like chlorine, despite taking two showers.

KV and Dangerous were later seen at a local Applebee's, chowing down on items from the Weight Watchers portion of the menu. As Dangerous is not on WW, she had no idea what the point system was all about, but figured that spending slightly over 600 calories on soup and an entrée was a pretty good choice.

AND NOW TO SHEILA THE INTERN WITH NEWS FROM THE FIELD

Maxine Dangerous reportedly “very surprised” this morning by scheduling snafu. Witnesses say Dangerous was fully engaged in pleasant thoughts about spending an evening at home, during which time she planned to tackle her chlorine-damaged hair with many a Biolage product, when she suddenly remembered that Wednesday night is food class night. Small children were seen fleeing from the scene, crying hysterically, as a barrage of swear words erupted from Dangerous’ mouth and stripped the paint from several nearby cars. A nearby pedestrian was quoted as saying, “I think that’s why she, like, snapped at Chatty McSmiley. It’s, you know, like, passive-aggressive and stuff? But I think it, like, helped Max feel better. Totally.” The pedestrian then resumed chewing on her hair and staring at a stop sign.

LOCAL BLOGGER IS ‘BLUE’

Visitors to the wildly-popular blog, “Here’s Your Gravy,” will notice that the site’s creator, mastermind, beauty queen, and Mensa member, Maxine Dangerous, has updated her template from a generic black-and-white to a Smurf-like blue.

“It was time for some color up in this hizzy,” said Dangerous dismissively as she nibbled on baked brie and apple slices. Throngs of thick women were seen lounging near Dangerous on colorful silk pillows, patiently waiting for their turn to sit on the author's lap and have a snuggle.

“I was going to go pink for breast cancer awareness in October, but sometimes pink makes me want to throw up, you know?” Dangerous’ fawning admirers were seen nodding in abject agreement. “I went with blue. My favorite colors are indigo and tangerine, but there’s no indigo template and purple would’ve made me feel like a 13-year-old girl. And a tangerine blog? Who am I, Kate Winslet? Hey, where’s that grape Fanta I asked for?”

Back to you in the studio, Jim.